what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
