Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
