I'm so fucking centered right now
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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