And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
