I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
