So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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