Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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