Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
