trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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