I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
