are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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