I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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