YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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