Don't make out with my wife yet
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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