My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
