my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
