Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
