My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize