i just google imaged poop.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
