The maid of honor just puked.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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