My Higher Power is John Stamos
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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