I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
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So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
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Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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