i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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