Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
