I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
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Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
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What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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