im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
