I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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