I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
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