Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize