I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
