did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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