My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
