Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
