Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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