Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
