I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
