This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
