Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
