I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
