When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
