Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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