My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
