My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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