i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
