I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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