I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize
