She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
