Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize