I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
