I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
