There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
where are my eyebrows?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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