i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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