I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
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He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
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he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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