im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
