No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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