A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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