My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
