There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
