Your mouth is God's brothel.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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